Racing Heart

So there is this person I know that has recently sparked my interest and I have been trying to decide what I should do about the situation. Right away I wanted to know what kind of relationship I want with them, just friendship or if I wanted more. For a few weeks now I had been stressing my self out for this reason, because I like to move fast and it was taking too long. But I was talking to someone just yesterday and she mentioned why do I have to label it something right away.... I thought about it for a minute and it's true why should I label it something right away? It's something I can ponder on for a while. I just got out of a long term relationship and I need time to date around and to figure out my self and where I stand. But for some reason this person makes my heart flutter when they are around me.... and the little things they do... makes me really want them more. Well for now their going to part of my agenda but I have more to explore for now. <3 But could this be something I have been looking for? And if it doesn't work out then you know what, I know what I should be looking for. <3

WTF

Right now I'm walking down a winding path with a blindfold on. I can't really take it off but I also am too scared to move forward. I know the familiar sounds but there are different sounds and things that pass me by that I am getting scared to reach out for. And right now I'm really struggling with the fact that this thing might really had been worth it....  But I can't wait any longer.... because a little while longer and for me the world will be crashing down again on my head.... what the fuck did I do... why do I deserve to hurt like this over and over again.... oh wait that's just how it works.... and that's life. WTF..

I can feel the emptiness

Finally a week has almost gone. I can slowly feel the empty loneliness that slowly starts to creep it's way in. I'll be ok but man it's quite in the house....

Taken care of...

He still tries to take care of me

Standing still

Today I feel like parts of me are dying. I've been trying so hard to tell my self I'm ok that I forgot.... I'm really not ok right now. Working this much is killing.... and being on the fence about what to do with my life and so forth is also making me wonder what I should do with my life right now. It would be so easy to fall back into a trap... but this is not a healthy situation for me or the other person.... Going back to a comfort zone is only easy because you already know what is going on.... but the true test I think here is how strong I am to withstand it....

What is right

Sometimes you have to make the right decisions and veer away from the tempting ones on the way to making the right choice. I feel like I'm standing at divide in the road just staring at it. waiting. Weighing out my decisions to see if one choice will lead me towards the ultimate goal of happiness. Well soon I will see where it goes. Letting nature take it's course right now. Goodnight

[[Untitled]]

Then the curtain starts to fall and the story is at an intermission. All the lights start turning on and you realized that you've been lost in a tale that spikes your interest for months. Sometimes the second time around you don't get lost into it as you were the first time. You start looking around and checking out everything around you. You start to notice flaws and start criticizing them. You start analyzing them and weighing out the pros and cons. Where has this relationship come to........Then you know for some stories the end is coming near and the for sure this time you swore that it would last for eternity.

But actually this time it hurt even more, and this time it really did throw you overboard. It's finally one step forward. But somewhat feeling like I took one step back. I need to reassess my feeling and either dive back in or walk away to a new story book beginning and ending......

I need to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes patients doesn't fix everything; you sometimes have to give someone the initial push to get going because patients sometime backfires and allows someone to take their time and let things go their way for ever. It's not that I don't care about them anymore. It's the fact that we weren't working at this very moment anymore. I want to want someone again. It would be amazing if that person was you again because the years that it took us to get to that point was rocky but we made it this far. But there has to be a better balance. One can not love more then the other and the other can not want to fill that emptiness. Because in the end the one loving more will hurt like any normal person will......

And I know because the person was me the last time around.......
But this time I really need to think things through because I've seen someone be lonely even with someone next to them. And I really don't want to make him lonely by being unfair and keeping him down and under just because it's easier. I know it's hurting because I am too. But back peddling this time will lead us home soon.

Tired

Oh my I worked 12hour day at work and I'm so tired I should probably go to sleep soon.... Another 12 hour day to follow.... Night blogger

Bottled up

I feel like in the past week I've been able to let out my emotions and starting actually let go. It's been bottled up for so long that I just buried in the back of my mind. But it was just something that I need to deal with. Well I hope everything comes to where it needs to be. :)

What I know

Sometimes I guess that time comes when we all have to make some life changing decisions whether they are hard to bare or whether they are very easy to follow. But I have recently come to realize that somethings are unavoidable and very hard to let go. But you live and learn to stand and take it as it comes. But as the years go by it does not get any easier. Scrapes were way easier to deal with then emotional bruises that might last a life time. Well I will leave it at that for now but I'll be back to update you soon.

Over and out. <3