Defining Affinity

Well it's simple. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand. I want to sleep next to you and be there when I can. I want your sorrows to go away. Because I don't wanna see you cry. Your thoughts make me smile, I miss you when you don't call me. I wait for you day and night to see how your day has been. I hope that you will miss me like I miss you..... But patience is a virtue and is important to this relationship. So I wait.... I'll wait until you know what you need want from me. I'll try to find my happiness for now. But please love don't keep me waiting too long...... it hurts to hold back and it hurts to want you so bad.

Avoidable....

I feel like I'm getting avoided..... well..... I guess it's time to move on now. Before I get my heart crushed. Goodbye amazing love.... it's too late to save us? Maybe I knew it from the start shoulda never put my heart in at full throttle.... I thought you loved me more then that? or is it that your hurting and you can't focus on anything else? Rawrg..... I want it back the way it used to be. I was so happy.

Learning to Love

So since the few weeks... (cough cough) I haven't posted on blogger I have been up to much activities such as moving and getting my self situated. Well I also learned quite a few things about my self that I wasn't ready to face till now. So in the past few months I had fallen out of love with the last relationship and that was due to poor judgment and much built up disappointment towards this guy. But I feel like some of the disappointment stems from the fact that I am actually quite disappointed in myself. I now feel like it's time to really learn to love the person I am for who I am. How will I do this. Well first off I think it's time to again try to get some medical help to help with my very random mood swings and I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I thought for a while that leaning on someone would really help me learn to be a whole person. But working at half capacity doesn't ever seem to work.
Where I'm going to go look for my self that I do not know. But I know one thing that I need to start learning to be able to function more independently and more efficiently when doing so.
I know that this is going to be a time consuming journey but at the end of this trip I think everything will find it's place.
Another thing that has really motivated me to do so. Is because I fell for this person really hard. But I seem to have this negative swing when I start dating someone.... and this is all stemmed from self esteem issues. And in order for me to love with all 100% I feel as though I need to learn to love my self 100% then I won't be beating my self to the ground for every person or thing that I am around.
Well Blogger I am getting tired and need to get some rest but till next time.

P.S. Maybe that's what it means to love someone. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to make my self be happy. So I can again be happy with them. They make my heartbeat faster.

The hike up the hill has begun..

I have been looking for a place to live and finally after much frustration I have found the perfect place for me to just chill and live. A small but cozy studio apt. in Bloomington right by the MOA. Perfect for me. :) So excited to get my shit together and move. <3 But so much stuff and not enough places to put it... maybe I need to rent a storage area.... hmmmm to be considered. For sure. <3

Racing Heart

So there is this person I know that has recently sparked my interest and I have been trying to decide what I should do about the situation. Right away I wanted to know what kind of relationship I want with them, just friendship or if I wanted more. For a few weeks now I had been stressing my self out for this reason, because I like to move fast and it was taking too long. But I was talking to someone just yesterday and she mentioned why do I have to label it something right away.... I thought about it for a minute and it's true why should I label it something right away? It's something I can ponder on for a while. I just got out of a long term relationship and I need time to date around and to figure out my self and where I stand. But for some reason this person makes my heart flutter when they are around me.... and the little things they do... makes me really want them more. Well for now their going to part of my agenda but I have more to explore for now. <3 But could this be something I have been looking for? And if it doesn't work out then you know what, I know what I should be looking for. <3

WTF

Right now I'm walking down a winding path with a blindfold on. I can't really take it off but I also am too scared to move forward. I know the familiar sounds but there are different sounds and things that pass me by that I am getting scared to reach out for. And right now I'm really struggling with the fact that this thing might really had been worth it....  But I can't wait any longer.... because a little while longer and for me the world will be crashing down again on my head.... what the fuck did I do... why do I deserve to hurt like this over and over again.... oh wait that's just how it works.... and that's life. WTF..

I can feel the emptiness

Finally a week has almost gone. I can slowly feel the empty loneliness that slowly starts to creep it's way in. I'll be ok but man it's quite in the house....