The Next Farewell

Are we ever ready to say goodbye

Today has been so long

And I'm not ready for tomorrow

Cuz I'm not ready to let you go

My memories are clear

It feels like you're still here

I can't help but to think

This isn't happening to me

Everywhere I look a piece of you is there

You where a mother, grandmother, and friend

I knew that the day would come

But couldn't believe it when you were really gone

Goodbye,  I love you

Let's meet again 

In another lifetime

This is not the end

My Lost Self

Wandering, hiding, scared. Can't scream.

Lost inside of my own scary dreams.

Where am I going, I'm lost in my mind.

I'm suck in this maze that nobody can find.

I see phantoms of my child self,

Walking through these walls.

The traces of happy times,

Now I can barely recall.

I hid from the outside

To not fall apart.

But little did I know

This was just the start.

This nightmare I've been trapped in

Trying to crawl out.

But nobody can hear me

No matter how loud I shout.

Lonely crowd

In a room full of people Do they really see me Am I hiding? Am I trying? I need to feel connected But the world feels like they've neglected I'm holding on oh so dear To a life form that is not here Try to bury my sadness under Hide my cries in the rain and thunder I'm dying of this loneliness Not so sure how to win this So many faces surround me All of which who know me But deep inside I'm screaming I'm so lonely I'm so lonely I know they don't understand How one can be in a crowd And still feel like The only one around

Moving

Hi everyone.  Sorry I have been on the DL (down low) the last few days.  I have been busy with moving. I will be back as soon as this move is completely.  I have so much planned!  I can't hardly wait. I'll write again soon.

Survey

Hey lovely people, I have a little survey I put together for you.

It's all about you! Survey

Where does this road take me

I am still wide awake after a 12 hour day at work, pondering what should I do with my life?

Today I am sitting patiently by my computer, debating if I am making the right choices in life, to stay on the safe side...

I am wondering if my life has become stale because I left my risky side behind, or if my life was already stale but I wanted to try some risky business to keep my self sane...

What does it mean to take a risk?

Does it mean that it is all or nothing?

So many questions are currently going through my mind...

I am at a divide in the road, like Robert Frost has once written about.

Should I take the path less traveled?

Am I currently following someone else's footsteps because I am afraid of the consequences the other road may bring?

All of the questions...

One path must be decided upon.

Where will this road lead me?

Is this road taking me home?

Starting New

Hi everyone, it's been a long time since the last time I posted a blog. I hope everyone is having a wonderful week. I am posting to let everyone know that I am going to be starting another page where I will write review posts. I hope you have a great day.

Broken road lead me home...

When my world comes crashing down on my head what should I do.? When my feelings won't stop breaking where should I hide them? When my heart hurts like hell and my mind can't make it stop should I sweep it under a rug and live on? It's just another sting just another bolder one of many in life... How do you deal with it will change the world around you. I know I chose to be here but sometimes I feel like i'm getting pushed around following the tidal waves and following my aching heart. My path to the future seems so dreery and the roads that i'm on seems so long. A break seems too far out of the question so I drag on and on. At this divide in the road I come to stare blankly as I usually do nothing seems so certain and my heart still.... Aches for you... Even at this distance... even as we stand I feel like there is a wall between us and I can't climb over nor brake it down. Why do you keep protecting yourself why do you push me away but surely you know what you do to me I think to my self.... But maybe you really don't know how much you pain me in this way. Word can not describe this weary fear I have inside but you don't seem to notice so i'll hide... So i'll hide. It's not really a secret when it's probably just me just falling into my self and drowning in my dreams. Ambitions and goals I set are running far from me and the wishes and the hopes for it are wounding deep with in. Nothing I can do isn't an answer... That I know but right now I really wanted to just feel something... Before it's gone. Slowly as a wildfire being dowsed away by man. My burning heart beats softer and it hurts as it goes out. Making it work will take effort but patience is fading quick. I need to be an adult about it but my selfish child in me returns. I try to listen harder to see if your heart beats for me. But everything is in your terms and following is all I can give. Your decisions are set to your needs and I understand from those shoes but in mine are little thorns still piercing through my soul. First is first I need to remedy this pain staked heart of mine. But what the fuck is the answer... What the hell will cure my doubts..... I don't know how it got planted there.... Ok maybe I do... But only extremely drastic measures will undo what has been done... But is that healthy.... Probably not. So now I stand at this divide wondering what is right and what is wrong should I leave my hopes behind because I am scared. Or should I take a step forward knowing that the possibily of needing to turn back and start again might be the future I am facing in the end? Unpredictable this life is... But regret? Not knowing what could have been or just walk forth this path that might turn into dust? Who knows... What will I do next.

Losing sight

I'd rather see your face then have you just hear your voice At least if I can't hear I can make out your expression I'd rather never talk again then Then at least i would be a better listener I don't want to ever lose my sight I'd be so alone Walking in content darkness Is too much to handle Starting to see a fogginess filling up my eyes Is slowly turning me into a monster The demon lives inside Every inch of me is screaming This.... Tis can't be happening to me! Every color brings me happiness Every sight brings me comfort Seeing you is like hearing you I don't ever want to lose that voice If I were to go def I would sill her your heart The racing in your every movement is a voice I feel a little fear I know it's going to be ok But what if.... What if I were to lose my sight Would you be by my side To lead me back home?

Defining Affinity

Well it's simple. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand. I want to sleep next to you and be there when I can. I want your sorrows to go away. Because I don't wanna see you cry. Your thoughts make me smile, I miss you when you don't call me. I wait for you day and night to see how your day has been. I hope that you will miss me like I miss you..... But patience is a virtue and is important to this relationship. So I wait.... I'll wait until you know what you need want from me. I'll try to find my happiness for now. But please love don't keep me waiting too long...... it hurts to hold back and it hurts to want you so bad.

Avoidable....

I feel like I'm getting avoided..... well..... I guess it's time to move on now. Before I get my heart crushed. Goodbye amazing love.... it's too late to save us? Maybe I knew it from the start shoulda never put my heart in at full throttle.... I thought you loved me more then that? or is it that your hurting and you can't focus on anything else? Rawrg..... I want it back the way it used to be. I was so happy.

Learning to Love

So since the few weeks... (cough cough) I haven't posted on blogger I have been up to much activities such as moving and getting my self situated. Well I also learned quite a few things about my self that I wasn't ready to face till now. So in the past few months I had fallen out of love with the last relationship and that was due to poor judgment and much built up disappointment towards this guy. But I feel like some of the disappointment stems from the fact that I am actually quite disappointed in myself. I now feel like it's time to really learn to love the person I am for who I am. How will I do this. Well first off I think it's time to again try to get some medical help to help with my very random mood swings and I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I thought for a while that leaning on someone would really help me learn to be a whole person. But working at half capacity doesn't ever seem to work.
Where I'm going to go look for my self that I do not know. But I know one thing that I need to start learning to be able to function more independently and more efficiently when doing so.
I know that this is going to be a time consuming journey but at the end of this trip I think everything will find it's place.
Another thing that has really motivated me to do so. Is because I fell for this person really hard. But I seem to have this negative swing when I start dating someone.... and this is all stemmed from self esteem issues. And in order for me to love with all 100% I feel as though I need to learn to love my self 100% then I won't be beating my self to the ground for every person or thing that I am around.
Well Blogger I am getting tired and need to get some rest but till next time.

P.S. Maybe that's what it means to love someone. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to make my self be happy. So I can again be happy with them. They make my heartbeat faster.

The hike up the hill has begun..

I have been looking for a place to live and finally after much frustration I have found the perfect place for me to just chill and live. A small but cozy studio apt. in Bloomington right by the MOA. Perfect for me. :) So excited to get my shit together and move. <3 But so much stuff and not enough places to put it... maybe I need to rent a storage area.... hmmmm to be considered. For sure. <3

Racing Heart

So there is this person I know that has recently sparked my interest and I have been trying to decide what I should do about the situation. Right away I wanted to know what kind of relationship I want with them, just friendship or if I wanted more. For a few weeks now I had been stressing my self out for this reason, because I like to move fast and it was taking too long. But I was talking to someone just yesterday and she mentioned why do I have to label it something right away.... I thought about it for a minute and it's true why should I label it something right away? It's something I can ponder on for a while. I just got out of a long term relationship and I need time to date around and to figure out my self and where I stand. But for some reason this person makes my heart flutter when they are around me.... and the little things they do... makes me really want them more. Well for now their going to part of my agenda but I have more to explore for now. <3 But could this be something I have been looking for? And if it doesn't work out then you know what, I know what I should be looking for. <3

WTF

Right now I'm walking down a winding path with a blindfold on. I can't really take it off but I also am too scared to move forward. I know the familiar sounds but there are different sounds and things that pass me by that I am getting scared to reach out for. And right now I'm really struggling with the fact that this thing might really had been worth it....  But I can't wait any longer.... because a little while longer and for me the world will be crashing down again on my head.... what the fuck did I do... why do I deserve to hurt like this over and over again.... oh wait that's just how it works.... and that's life. WTF..

I can feel the emptiness

Finally a week has almost gone. I can slowly feel the empty loneliness that slowly starts to creep it's way in. I'll be ok but man it's quite in the house....

Taken care of...

He still tries to take care of me

Standing still

Today I feel like parts of me are dying. I've been trying so hard to tell my self I'm ok that I forgot.... I'm really not ok right now. Working this much is killing.... and being on the fence about what to do with my life and so forth is also making me wonder what I should do with my life right now. It would be so easy to fall back into a trap... but this is not a healthy situation for me or the other person.... Going back to a comfort zone is only easy because you already know what is going on.... but the true test I think here is how strong I am to withstand it....

What is right

Sometimes you have to make the right decisions and veer away from the tempting ones on the way to making the right choice. I feel like I'm standing at divide in the road just staring at it. waiting. Weighing out my decisions to see if one choice will lead me towards the ultimate goal of happiness. Well soon I will see where it goes. Letting nature take it's course right now. Goodnight

[[Untitled]]

Then the curtain starts to fall and the story is at an intermission. All the lights start turning on and you realized that you've been lost in a tale that spikes your interest for months. Sometimes the second time around you don't get lost into it as you were the first time. You start looking around and checking out everything around you. You start to notice flaws and start criticizing them. You start analyzing them and weighing out the pros and cons. Where has this relationship come to........Then you know for some stories the end is coming near and the for sure this time you swore that it would last for eternity.

But actually this time it hurt even more, and this time it really did throw you overboard. It's finally one step forward. But somewhat feeling like I took one step back. I need to reassess my feeling and either dive back in or walk away to a new story book beginning and ending......

I need to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes patients doesn't fix everything; you sometimes have to give someone the initial push to get going because patients sometime backfires and allows someone to take their time and let things go their way for ever. It's not that I don't care about them anymore. It's the fact that we weren't working at this very moment anymore. I want to want someone again. It would be amazing if that person was you again because the years that it took us to get to that point was rocky but we made it this far. But there has to be a better balance. One can not love more then the other and the other can not want to fill that emptiness. Because in the end the one loving more will hurt like any normal person will......

And I know because the person was me the last time around.......
But this time I really need to think things through because I've seen someone be lonely even with someone next to them. And I really don't want to make him lonely by being unfair and keeping him down and under just because it's easier. I know it's hurting because I am too. But back peddling this time will lead us home soon.