Broken road lead me home...

When my world comes crashing down on my head what should I do.? When my feelings won't stop breaking where should I hide them? When my heart hurts like hell and my mind can't make it stop should I sweep it under a rug and live on? It's just another sting just another bolder one of many in life... How do you deal with it will change the world around you. I know I chose to be here but sometimes I feel like i'm getting pushed around following the tidal waves and following my aching heart. My path to the future seems so dreery and the roads that i'm on seems so long. A break seems too far out of the question so I drag on and on. At this divide in the road I come to stare blankly as I usually do nothing seems so certain and my heart still.... Aches for you... Even at this distance... even as we stand I feel like there is a wall between us and I can't climb over nor brake it down. Why do you keep protecting yourself why do you push me away but surely you know what you do to me I think to my self.... But maybe you really don't know how much you pain me in this way. Word can not describe this weary fear I have inside but you don't seem to notice so i'll hide... So i'll hide. It's not really a secret when it's probably just me just falling into my self and drowning in my dreams. Ambitions and goals I set are running far from me and the wishes and the hopes for it are wounding deep with in. Nothing I can do isn't an answer... That I know but right now I really wanted to just feel something... Before it's gone. Slowly as a wildfire being dowsed away by man. My burning heart beats softer and it hurts as it goes out. Making it work will take effort but patience is fading quick. I need to be an adult about it but my selfish child in me returns. I try to listen harder to see if your heart beats for me. But everything is in your terms and following is all I can give. Your decisions are set to your needs and I understand from those shoes but in mine are little thorns still piercing through my soul. First is first I need to remedy this pain staked heart of mine. But what the fuck is the answer... What the hell will cure my doubts..... I don't know how it got planted there.... Ok maybe I do... But only extremely drastic measures will undo what has been done... But is that healthy.... Probably not. So now I stand at this divide wondering what is right and what is wrong should I leave my hopes behind because I am scared. Or should I take a step forward knowing that the possibily of needing to turn back and start again might be the future I am facing in the end? Unpredictable this life is... But regret? Not knowing what could have been or just walk forth this path that might turn into dust? Who knows... What will I do next.

Losing sight

I'd rather see your face then have you just hear your voice At least if I can't hear I can make out your expression I'd rather never talk again then Then at least i would be a better listener I don't want to ever lose my sight I'd be so alone Walking in content darkness Is too much to handle Starting to see a fogginess filling up my eyes Is slowly turning me into a monster The demon lives inside Every inch of me is screaming This.... Tis can't be happening to me! Every color brings me happiness Every sight brings me comfort Seeing you is like hearing you I don't ever want to lose that voice If I were to go def I would sill her your heart The racing in your every movement is a voice I feel a little fear I know it's going to be ok But what if.... What if I were to lose my sight Would you be by my side To lead me back home?

Defining Affinity

Well it's simple. I want to be with you. I want to hold your hand. I want to sleep next to you and be there when I can. I want your sorrows to go away. Because I don't wanna see you cry. Your thoughts make me smile, I miss you when you don't call me. I wait for you day and night to see how your day has been. I hope that you will miss me like I miss you..... But patience is a virtue and is important to this relationship. So I wait.... I'll wait until you know what you need want from me. I'll try to find my happiness for now. But please love don't keep me waiting too long...... it hurts to hold back and it hurts to want you so bad.

Avoidable....

I feel like I'm getting avoided..... well..... I guess it's time to move on now. Before I get my heart crushed. Goodbye amazing love.... it's too late to save us? Maybe I knew it from the start shoulda never put my heart in at full throttle.... I thought you loved me more then that? or is it that your hurting and you can't focus on anything else? Rawrg..... I want it back the way it used to be. I was so happy.

Learning to Love

So since the few weeks... (cough cough) I haven't posted on blogger I have been up to much activities such as moving and getting my self situated. Well I also learned quite a few things about my self that I wasn't ready to face till now. So in the past few months I had fallen out of love with the last relationship and that was due to poor judgment and much built up disappointment towards this guy. But I feel like some of the disappointment stems from the fact that I am actually quite disappointed in myself. I now feel like it's time to really learn to love the person I am for who I am. How will I do this. Well first off I think it's time to again try to get some medical help to help with my very random mood swings and I need to learn to stand on my own two feet. I thought for a while that leaning on someone would really help me learn to be a whole person. But working at half capacity doesn't ever seem to work.
Where I'm going to go look for my self that I do not know. But I know one thing that I need to start learning to be able to function more independently and more efficiently when doing so.
I know that this is going to be a time consuming journey but at the end of this trip I think everything will find it's place.
Another thing that has really motivated me to do so. Is because I fell for this person really hard. But I seem to have this negative swing when I start dating someone.... and this is all stemmed from self esteem issues. And in order for me to love with all 100% I feel as though I need to learn to love my self 100% then I won't be beating my self to the ground for every person or thing that I am around.
Well Blogger I am getting tired and need to get some rest but till next time.

P.S. Maybe that's what it means to love someone. It makes me want to be a better person. It makes me want to make my self be happy. So I can again be happy with them. They make my heartbeat faster.

The hike up the hill has begun..

I have been looking for a place to live and finally after much frustration I have found the perfect place for me to just chill and live. A small but cozy studio apt. in Bloomington right by the MOA. Perfect for me. :) So excited to get my shit together and move. <3 But so much stuff and not enough places to put it... maybe I need to rent a storage area.... hmmmm to be considered. For sure. <3

Racing Heart

So there is this person I know that has recently sparked my interest and I have been trying to decide what I should do about the situation. Right away I wanted to know what kind of relationship I want with them, just friendship or if I wanted more. For a few weeks now I had been stressing my self out for this reason, because I like to move fast and it was taking too long. But I was talking to someone just yesterday and she mentioned why do I have to label it something right away.... I thought about it for a minute and it's true why should I label it something right away? It's something I can ponder on for a while. I just got out of a long term relationship and I need time to date around and to figure out my self and where I stand. But for some reason this person makes my heart flutter when they are around me.... and the little things they do... makes me really want them more. Well for now their going to part of my agenda but I have more to explore for now. <3 But could this be something I have been looking for? And if it doesn't work out then you know what, I know what I should be looking for. <3

WTF

Right now I'm walking down a winding path with a blindfold on. I can't really take it off but I also am too scared to move forward. I know the familiar sounds but there are different sounds and things that pass me by that I am getting scared to reach out for. And right now I'm really struggling with the fact that this thing might really had been worth it....  But I can't wait any longer.... because a little while longer and for me the world will be crashing down again on my head.... what the fuck did I do... why do I deserve to hurt like this over and over again.... oh wait that's just how it works.... and that's life. WTF..

I can feel the emptiness

Finally a week has almost gone. I can slowly feel the empty loneliness that slowly starts to creep it's way in. I'll be ok but man it's quite in the house....

Taken care of...

He still tries to take care of me

Standing still

Today I feel like parts of me are dying. I've been trying so hard to tell my self I'm ok that I forgot.... I'm really not ok right now. Working this much is killing.... and being on the fence about what to do with my life and so forth is also making me wonder what I should do with my life right now. It would be so easy to fall back into a trap... but this is not a healthy situation for me or the other person.... Going back to a comfort zone is only easy because you already know what is going on.... but the true test I think here is how strong I am to withstand it....

What is right

Sometimes you have to make the right decisions and veer away from the tempting ones on the way to making the right choice. I feel like I'm standing at divide in the road just staring at it. waiting. Weighing out my decisions to see if one choice will lead me towards the ultimate goal of happiness. Well soon I will see where it goes. Letting nature take it's course right now. Goodnight

[[Untitled]]

Then the curtain starts to fall and the story is at an intermission. All the lights start turning on and you realized that you've been lost in a tale that spikes your interest for months. Sometimes the second time around you don't get lost into it as you were the first time. You start looking around and checking out everything around you. You start to notice flaws and start criticizing them. You start analyzing them and weighing out the pros and cons. Where has this relationship come to........Then you know for some stories the end is coming near and the for sure this time you swore that it would last for eternity.

But actually this time it hurt even more, and this time it really did throw you overboard. It's finally one step forward. But somewhat feeling like I took one step back. I need to reassess my feeling and either dive back in or walk away to a new story book beginning and ending......

I need to look at the bigger picture. Sometimes patients doesn't fix everything; you sometimes have to give someone the initial push to get going because patients sometime backfires and allows someone to take their time and let things go their way for ever. It's not that I don't care about them anymore. It's the fact that we weren't working at this very moment anymore. I want to want someone again. It would be amazing if that person was you again because the years that it took us to get to that point was rocky but we made it this far. But there has to be a better balance. One can not love more then the other and the other can not want to fill that emptiness. Because in the end the one loving more will hurt like any normal person will......

And I know because the person was me the last time around.......
But this time I really need to think things through because I've seen someone be lonely even with someone next to them. And I really don't want to make him lonely by being unfair and keeping him down and under just because it's easier. I know it's hurting because I am too. But back peddling this time will lead us home soon.

Tired

Oh my I worked 12hour day at work and I'm so tired I should probably go to sleep soon.... Another 12 hour day to follow.... Night blogger

Bottled up

I feel like in the past week I've been able to let out my emotions and starting actually let go. It's been bottled up for so long that I just buried in the back of my mind. But it was just something that I need to deal with. Well I hope everything comes to where it needs to be. :)

What I know

Sometimes I guess that time comes when we all have to make some life changing decisions whether they are hard to bare or whether they are very easy to follow. But I have recently come to realize that somethings are unavoidable and very hard to let go. But you live and learn to stand and take it as it comes. But as the years go by it does not get any easier. Scrapes were way easier to deal with then emotional bruises that might last a life time. Well I will leave it at that for now but I'll be back to update you soon.

Over and out. <3

My Day off Routine

So have I ever mentioned that I have a Korean drama addiction? Well just to clarify it with everyone... I am completely and utterly 100% addicted to Korean drama. It's been a life long addiction that over the years has only gotten worse. Right now I am watching a total of 5 and it was before 6 different series. And at anytime that I have time off I will sit down and watch it for hours! Or if I find a whole series that I like I will not even budget to go to the bathroom for hours... but that's only if I don't have to do anything for a day.
Fortunately my addiction isn't as bad as it used to be due to the simple fact that I work a lot these days and when I do get home I only feed my addiction if my time isn't taken up by chores and or other activities that require my full and utter attention. Well even still the 5 Korean drama I'm watching are still one of my favorite pass times for sure

Another fun little thing that I really have been wanting to do as a pass time has been making my own clothing. In the past I have even thought about going in to fashion designing but unfortunately my strong point is not drawing... my sister took all the artistic talent in my family. But doesn't mean that I can't sew. But the only problem is my little tiny pea brain has yet to learn how to use a sewing machine. Everything I have sewn in the pas have been all by hand so now is the time I should really get on that. Well maybe in the next week I'll be able to sew up a storm. We'll see. Maybe be I'll even have some clothing up for grabs after I make them.

PS. - Everyone that has actually been reading my rambling the past month. Thanks for checking the blogs out. Hope to see you around. <3

Taylor Falls

It was a beautiful day out today and I was wondering what I should do with my day off. And after running errands all day my final destination of the day was Taylor Falls. But first to prepare for the trip Leo and I found a wonderful tour guide. We snatched him from his house and took him with on our random adventure up north. Leo and Jeff ran around like little monkeys climbing high and low looking in every crevices. At one point in our little hike they appeared out of no where with a trash bag. And their reply was were just picking up liter. I just shook my head and let them go about there business. After hooping to the rushing of the river I got tired of getting bit by the mosquitoes as the sun went down. But our adventure did not end quite yet the two boys were first arguing whether we were going to stop at a Dairy Queen on our way back. Then Leo's curiosity of "Downtown" Taylor Falls we ended up driving not even a quarter of a mile down from the parking lot and found that what they called Downtown consisted of a Hair and nail place, dentist, bar and grill, inn, and a malt and ice cream shop. We stopped for malt and ice cream. After I polished of a whole pint of ice cream we ended up back in Minneapolis. What a wonderful way of spending a day. Lolly gagging around nature climbing and hiking.

A Beginning to every Ending

In the past couple days I really have been thing on the phrase every ending has a new beginning. I have really been looking back lately and realizing that it is very true. I have been working for the past year trying to make my career take flight but when I didn't find what I needed at this other place it took a little pushing and I found a new place to spread my wings at. Every new ending is just a potential beginning to a happy story that still has to be written.

This summer I feel like is going to be a time of ending old stories that have been drug out till it's ended have fried and torn off and the summer of starting a new refreshing story. Starting it right to make things right. Beginnings are so refreshing to come to I hope this feeling never ends.

Learning to Fly

This new job has opened my eyes to how much more I have left to learn in my cooking career. I feel like a sprout that just popped it's head out of the ground at this point but as soon as I get speed I feel like everything will be snowballing down to a good ending. I love this refreshing new feeling of being confused and being challenged I hope that this feeling lasts but gets easier.

CRAVE in for more

It was my first day at the restaurant Crave as a sushi trainee. It was absolutely amazing! I loved every second of it. I really hope I can prove my self so I can stay with them for a long long time. This blog is not very long due to it being so late but soon I'll be back with more enlightening news.

Breaking Loose

The final count down has begun. Tomorrow I start my new job training at the MOA AKA Mall of America. I'm so flustered and excited to start this job. It makes me feel like I might get one step closer to finding a stronger connection to my mom. My heart is beating so fast and so furiously that I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. Counting down the hours till I get into my car and head to Crave, a place I will be calling work from now on. I should have a celebration party tomorrow after work or something. Something to let out all this excitement and angst.

Virtuwell Savior

Today has been day three of my stuffy headed sickness. But I still managed to stumble out of bed and this morning, though a bit unbalanced and dizzy, I made it to work thinking well it will go away soon. About 4 hours into the day I was just so exhausted and worn out that I just could not stay any longer. So after long hours of standing I made it back home feeling shittier then ever. I laid in the bed trying to tame my aching body and stuffed up sinuses when I finally gave in and started my search for a minute clinic. But aside from the fact that I did not have much money to spare, it had already been an hour past 6 nothing was opened to my disposal. So I finally took the time to look up www.virtuwell.com, a site I have been hearing about on the radio since flu season started this past year.

After a long process of survey questions I finally got to the end. 30 minutes later a nurse called me up and verified the several major conditions I had and the conclusion.... a viral sinus infections. I think the best part about this website is the full report on what you have and different ways to treat it. Mine were all over the counter medicines that I could get right away. But if I don't improve in 3 days even after following their carefully gathered treatment plan I can request for a call back and they'll then reevaluate my conditions free of charge. If they feel like the sinus infection turned bacterial they will then prescribe me some antibiotics. How convenient; sometimes you just need a little help to get back on your feet and this cost me half as much and I did it right from home. Pretty exciting new discovery. Now just need to rest up and be all fixed for the rest of this week. It's going to be a busy one for sure.

What a day.....

Today has been one hell of an adventure. I called in to work for the first time this year because of a cold... then I come to find out that my car has been towed due to street sweeping. But that was mostly my fault. I wasn't feeling so great last night and didn't move my car. Well hopefully tonight will be better then my whole day has been. grrrr

Making a nightmare last a life time

Have you ever took a whole day off to analyze your self? I recently started to micro analyze my self to see what I could improve; but the more I looked at my self the more I realized that a lot of the things I do habitually is very cowardly and self conscious. I always knew in the back of my mind that I was self conscious but never knew to what degree. Everyday it's a reoccurring fight against my self to make my self loath my self a little less and to try to focus on real life problems. But sometimes I guess this problem defeats over all other problems. Then I come to the conclusion that I might need help... Yet even with me say this every time, reminding my self I need to find help has not actually gotten me any closer to finding help.... I know I just need to pick up the phone and call for help. It's as easy as that... but what is stopping me... why am I so scared? Is it what I'll find when I get there... or is it because I'm so used to being this way that I don't want to change? Or is it because I'm scared to expect the fact certain this are not under my control? I don't know it might be all of the above.... it's just too..... overwhelming to me right now. But soon maybe I'll put it to that mind to rest. Or at least learn to cope with it in a healthy way. Soon nightmare you will be a distance memory.

Gently Passing

A sudden silence grows near
As the moment of ending comes to clear
I feel a little light headed
And my body feels flighted
Soaring above all things
Brushing away all hings

We are free at last
We are free at last
From the chains that held me captive
Grow me a pair of wings at last